Tibetan book of the dead for Americans,

I thought I'd translate a 7th century classic into modern American English. Here goes

Tibetan book of the dead for Americans,

O nobly born, the test pattern you are experiencing is your neuro net shutting down. you are not alone. But because it is based on projection of your own mind, what you see is what you want/need/expect to see. This is why hindus don't see jesus, Muslims don't see malcom x, and atheists, well atheists see cspan2 no matter what. It's basic cable.

Don't wig out now! It won't last long. This will help you get thru to whatever waits you on the other side.

the first thing you saw was a flash of light. That was the last train to nirvana, you missed it. don't worry, no body catches it. It's a cruel inside joke by buddha and the rest of the enilghtened who really don't want you as a member of their club, but don't want to come off as arrogant, elitist assholes. O nobly born, shake it off. you're not alone.

the next stop is disco lights. White smokey tunnels, colored lights, thumping hypno-rhythms in dark halls, it does what disco did, which is distracts you from getting a good look at your corpse flailing around in embarassing postures, or ill fitting, out of style clothes. o nobly born, do yourself a favor and don't look back. Some things are worse than death.

At this time you will see the favorable gods. Which include pets, favorite relatives, Jesus, and anyone who let you stay up late as a child. If you haven't figured it out yet, this is a delusion. Fluffy was recycled, your favorite relatives are complaining about the rap music, and jesus has better things to do than shake the hand of the 10,000 plus christians that die everyday. Unless you still believe that santa can still go down every chimney in the world on xmas eve, you probably figured this out on your own. see it for what it is, and move on.

It is a projection of your own mind. If you don't care that it's not real, you'll stay in heaven until you realize how boring getting everything you want when you want it can get. Then it turns into the Wrathful Gods. Fluffy scratches up your wings, uncle elmer stinks up the can, and jesus won't answer your text messages. o nobly born, couch surfing in the afterlife isn't cool. It's a good time to sing your favorite song to keep focused; move on, move on....

now you can wander the earth as a spirit. Until you get bored, and then all you see is people screwing (it really says that; lol) When you see something that turns you on, you go into the body of the unborn baby and you are reincarnated. O nobly born, you erase all your memories due to the trauma of being turned on by watching your parents hump each other. lol.

Unless of course, you're so hooked on sex, violence, crack or pasta, that you sink down into hell and become one of the "hungry spirits", they have big bellies, big appetites but only tiny mouths so they are always hungry/horney/strung out. There is rehab, but it's the shitty court ordered kind, not the paris hilton, i'm sorry I was caught on camera kind.

that's it, the book of the dead for dummies. have a happy afterlife.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2009